A two-part tale, in which dignity gets twinged and enlightenment happens.
Yesterday afternoon, our master bath toilet flooded. Terribly. One hour later, we noticed water coming out of our kitchen ceiling (below said master bathroom). Mind you, this is the same kitchen that less than two days prior we had labored long and hard, my wife and I, painting and rehinging and reinstalling the cabinetry. Cabinets that had sat neglected in the garage for two years waiting for time and attention.
I was devastated. Blame from all corners of the dwelling started flying around the house.
“Who did this?” (it has to be somebody’s fault)
“Why does this always happen to us?” (this = bad things)
“Why don’t we ever catch a break?” (yet another financial hit right on top of the last one)
“This house always needs something fixed!”
I tried to stay calm. Tried to take in the lessons I am learning about “breathing into the space” and “leaning in” and “picking at the heartstrands of what’s causing me fear”.
Apparently, since I’m new to this way of dealing with life, it takes a couple of hours for me to “breathe, lean, and pick”, but I did, and here’s what I learned:
- My fear was that I do not provide or take care of my family well enough. That on my own, I can’t do it. Old “victim” patterns of “I need to be rescued” immediately crowded my interior space and it took time to clear past them and think rationally.
- Trust my instinct. I knew better than to try to “figure this out on Google” and so I reached out to friend who is an expert and asked for his advice. Even though it was a holiday, and we aren’t “buddies” this friend, not only reached out, he gave me golden advice. He asked me to check with my homeowners’ insurance company to see if it might be possibly covered. I would have never thought of that. So, immediately, I called, and they do cover it and the process of repair got rolling.
- The good breath. And then, like a gentle breeze vs forced effort, I could both lean into the truth which is I am enough and do take care of my family sufficiently. I could also see that the entire accident would ultimately be for our family and our family’s home’s good. For the house would get the needed repairs and not merely a worrisome patch.
Sitting with oneself in the difficult moments is effort, but such worthy work. Rising out of the Victim role and standing as a woman of strength, honor and dignity is both humbling and empowering.